The Parenting Revolution

A guide to raising resilient kids

parenting
psychology
family
self help
personal development
Overthrow outdated parenting methods! This Learnerd summary of Dr Justin Coulson’s “Parenting Revolution” provides a powerful framework to move from control to connection. Discover the requirements of needs-supported parenting — Involvement, Structure, and Autonomy Support, to foster cooperation, build trust, and raise resilient, intrinsically motivated children.

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2 Executive Summary Cheatsheet

2.1 The Core Theory: Self-Determination

The entire “Parenting Revolution” is built on the well-established psychological framework of Self-Determination Theory (SDT). This theory states that for any person to thrive and feel intrinsically motivated, three basic psychological needs must be met:

  1. Relatedness: The need to feel loved, connected, and that you belong.
  2. Competence: The need to feel effective, capable, and able to master challenges.
  3. Autonomy: The need to feel you have choice and a sense of control over your own life and decisions.

The goal of the revolution is to shift from a control-based parenting style to a “needs-supportive” one that creates a family environment where these three needs are consistently met.

2.2 The Needs-Supportive Parenting Approach

This approach is achieved through three key parental behaviours that directly correspond to the three core needs:

  1. Involvement (to build Relatedness): Being present and engaged in your child’s life. This provides the foundation of love and security, meeting the need for connection.
  2. Structure (to build Competence): Providing clear expectations, guidance, and predictable routines. This scaffolding helps children feel capable and successful, building their sense of competence.
  3. Autonomy Support (to build Autonomy): Creating opportunities for children to make choices, take initiative, and have a voice in matters that affect them. This directly supports their need for control and fosters intrinsic motivation.

A key goal is to shift a child’s motivation away from external pressures and towards an internal desire to do the right thing. Needs-supportive parenting helps children naturally climb this ladder:

  1. External Motivation: “I’ll do it to get a reward or avoid punishment.”
  2. Introjected Motivation: “I’ll do it because I would feel guilty or ashamed if I didn’t.”
  3. Identified Motivation: “I’ll do it because I understand it’s the right thing to do and it aligns with my goals.”
  4. Integrated Motivation: “I’ll do it because it feels right and is a core part of who I am.”
  5. Intrinsic Motivation: “I’ll do it simply for the love and joy of the activity itself.”

2.3 The Revolutionary Formula in Practice

So, how do you provide Involvement, Structure, and Autonomy Support on a daily basis? By following a simple pattern:

  1. Empathy: Recognise Feelings and Perspectives: Start by validating their emotions to build connection and meet the need for Relatedness.
  2. Explanation: Provide a Clear Rationale and Explanation: Explain the “why” behind your requests and limits to build understanding and support their need for Competence.
  3. Empowerment: Encourage Choice and Initiative: Offer choices, collaboratively solve problems, and guide them to find their own solutions. This directly feeds their need for Autonomy.

Crucially, this approach means minimising control wherever possible. This is fundamentally different from being permissive; it is about guiding and scaffolding with structure, not abandoning leadership.

2.4 The Ultimate Payoff: Why This Revolution Works

By consistently applying this approach, you create a powerful positive feedback loop:

  • Children feel connected and valued: They know they are safe, seen, heard, and loved unconditionally.
  • Children feel capable and trusted: They develop competence because they know their parents believe in their intrinsic ability to learn and grow.
  • Children feel a sense of control over their lives: They develop true self-discipline and are more likely to make wise choices because they want to, not because they are forced to.

2.5 Other key ideas

Dr Coulson acknowledges that in the morning, emotions can be high and intelligence can be low. Instead of starting the day with conflict, the goal is to make mornings more enjoyable and empower children to be part of the solution.

Preparation is key — the morning routine begins the night before. Some ideas include:

  • Create a “Breakfast Menu”: Like a hotel room-service menu, kids can tick a box the night before for what they want to eat from a parent-approved list. This gives them autonomy and streamlines the morning rush.
  • Prepare Everything in Advance: School uniforms are laid out, school bags are packed and by the door, and lunch boxes are ready to be filled.
  • Ensure a Reasonable Bedtime: A well-rested child is a more co-operative child.
  • Collaborate on a Checklist: Work with your child to create a simple visual checklist of all the things they need to do (e.g., get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast). This is a structural tool to build competence, not a chart for earning rewards.

When a child wants to use an app like Snapchat, simply banning it is an act of control that encourages external motivation (i.e., sneaking around). The revolutionary approach is to Explore, Explain, and Empower:

  1. Explore: First, understand their world. A child might explain, “Not being on Snapchat when all my friends are is like you telling me to go play at the local park when everyone else is at the beach.” This powerful analogy helps you see their perspective.
  2. Explain: Acknowledge their perspective and explain your concerns. “I understand that feeling of being left out. My concern is that these apps are designed to be addictive, and I worry about your safety.”
  3. Empower: Shift from control to collaboration. Ask, “How do you think you can go to the ‘beach’ in a way that I can feel good about your safety?”

This opens the door for a collaborative solution. The child might suggest: “What if I promise to only use it with my close friends, show you how it works, and swim between the flags? You could even swing by and check on me whenever you want.” Now you’re working together to solve the problem.

Before anything else, rule out physical issues (e.g., a hearing test) and become attuned to your child’s mental state. Ask yourself: When do they listen well? When do they not?

In-the-Moment Strategies:

  1. Get on Their Level: Make eye contact.
  2. Use Short, Simple Statements: Drop the long lectures.
  3. Speak More Quietly: Don’t escalate by raising your voice; de-escalate by lowering it.
  4. Use Gentle Touch: A hand on the shoulder builds connection.
  5. Use Positive Language: Instead of “Don’t run,” try “Please use your walking feet.”
  6. Have Them Repeat It Back: To ensure they’ve heard and understood.
  7. Find a Way to Say Yes: “Yes, we can have a treat, right after we’ve had a healthy lunch.”

Deeper Relational Shifts:

Dr Coulson argues that “not listening” is often a symptom of a deeper issue related to connection, timing, or capability.

  • Prioritise Connection: A child is more likely to listen to someone they feel connected to.
  • Check Your Timing: Are you asking them to do something in the middle of an engaging activity?
  • Consider Capability: We often expect too little of children physically, but too much of them emotionally. Can they actually regulate themselves enough to comply right now?
  • Stop Over-Praising: A simple “Thanks for helping” is more powerful than “You’re such a good boy.” It focuses on gratitude, not judgment.
  • Ask and Wait: Ask once, then wait patiently. Don’t nag. The silence gives them space to process and act autonomously.

2.6 Key Phrases to use

These phrases are practical ways to implement needs-supportive parenting. They are organised to help you build Connection, provide Structure, and support Autonomy.

To Build Connection & Understanding (Meet the need for Relatedness):

  • “I can see you’re feeling really _______.” (Validating feelings)
  • “Help me understand what that’s like for you.” (Seeking their perspective)
  • “Tell me more about that.” (Showing involvement and interest)
  • “Thank you for helping with _______.” (Using gratitude instead of praise)

To Provide Structure & Guidance (Meet the need for Competence):

  • “The reason the rule is _______ is because it helps us _______.” (Providing a clear rationale)
  • “Please use your walking feet inside.” (Making positive, affirmative requests instead of “Don’t run”)
  • “Yes, we can have a treat, right after we’ve had our healthy lunch.” (Finding a way to say ‘yes’ with structure)
  • “What do you think needs to happen now?” (Asking, then waiting patiently for them to process)

To Empower & Collaborate (Meet the need for Autonomy):

  • “What do you think we could do to solve this problem together?” (Inviting collaboration)
  • “How can we make this work for both of us?” (Negotiating a win-win solution)
  • “You have two choices: _______ or _______. Which one feels right for you?” (Offering structured choice)
  • “How can you do [what you want], in a way that I can feel good about your safety?” (Empowering responsible freedom, like the Snapchat example)

3 Summary Video

4 Practise

The best way to start the revolution is to move from theory to practice. This exercise helps you analyse a common conflict through the lens of Self-Determination Theory and then apply the revolutionary formula.

The Scenario: It’s 8:15 AM. You need to leave in 10 minutes. Your 7-year-old is still in their pyjamas, slowly pushing cereal around their bowl, completely ignoring your reminders to get dressed. Your stress level is rising.

Step 1: Diagnose the Unmet Needs Before you react, diagnose the situation. Which of the three core needs might be unmet for your child right now? Autonomy (Control): Do they feel rushed, controlled, and nagged? Almost certainly. Connection (Relatedness): Do they feel connected to you, or are they feeling your stress and disconnection? Competence: Do they feel overwhelmed and incapable of meeting the morning’s demands?

Step 2: Contrast the Approaches

  • The “Control” Response (Old Way): Your instinct might be to threaten: “If you are not dressed in two minutes, there will be absolutely no screen time after school!”
    • Outcome: This thwarts all three needs. It removes autonomy, creates disconnection, and implies they are incompetent. You might get compliance out of fear, but you’ve damaged the relationship.
  • The “Revolutionary” Response (New Way): Pause, take a breath, and try to meet the needs.
    1. Connect (Empathy): Get on their level. “You look like you’re moving in slow motion this morning. It’s hard to get going sometimes, isn’t it?”
    2. Explain (Structure): Provide a simple rationale. “The reason I’m getting a bit antsy is that we need to leave soon to get to school on time.”
    3. Empower (Autonomy): Offer a choice. “What’s the next thing on our checklist? Do you want to tackle your socks first or your shirt?” Or make it a game: “I bet I can get my shoes on before you can get your jumper on!”

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