Raising a Secure Child

How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child’s Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore

Understand the core of attachment theory with this Learnerd summary of “Raising a Secure Child.” Discover the Circle of Security, a visual map for understanding your child’s emotional needs. Learn to be a secure base and a safe haven, manage your own emotional triggers (“shark music”), and repair ruptures to build a lasting, secure relationship with your child.

1 Listen

2 Executive Summary Cheatsheet

The core of the book is the Circle of Security, a map to understand your child’s innate needs for both exploration and connection. As a parent, your role is to be the “Hands” on the circle, reliably supporting your child’s journey.

A diagram of the Circle of Security, showing hands supporting a child’s journey out to explore (top of circle) and welcoming them back for comfort (bottom of circle).

2.1 The Two Core Journeys on the Circle

1. Going Out (The Secure Base): The top half of the circle represents your child’s need to explore, play, and learn. Your job as a Secure Base is to support this exploration.

   • Watch over me.
   • Help me.
   • Enjoy with me.
   • Delight in me.

2. Coming In (The Safe Haven): The bottom half of the circle represents your child’s need for comfort and connection, especially when they are tired, scared, or overwhelmed. Your job as a Safe Haven is to welcome them back.

   • Protect me.
   • Comfort me.
   • Delight in me.
   • Organise my feelings.

What is ‘Shark Music’?

“Shark Music” is the book’s term for the parent’s own emotional triggers, past traumas, and unresolved issues. It’s the scary, intense music that plays in our heads (like the theme from Jaws) when our child’s behaviour touches on one of our own sensitivities.

This “music” can make us misinterpret our child’s needs. For example, a child’s normal need for closeness might feel suffocating to a parent who didn’t get enough space in their own childhood. Recognising your Shark Music is the first step to not letting it dictate your parenting. Ask yourself: “Is my emotional reaction bigger than what the situation calls for?” If so, you’re likely hearing Shark Music.

2.2 Being the ‘Hands’ on the Circle

Your role isn’t to be perfect, but to be “Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind.”

1. Bigger, Stronger, Wiser: You are the calm leader who can handle the child’s big emotions without becoming overwhelmed yourself. You can see the bigger picture when they can’t.
2. Kind: You are the caring presence who offers comfort and empathy, even when setting limits. You are the safe haven.

How to ‘Organise’ Your Child’s Feelings

When a child is overwhelmed (e.g., during a tantrum), they can’t make sense of their emotions. Your role is not to dismiss the feeling, but to help them understand it.

1. Name the feeling: “You are so angry that we have to leave the park.”
2. Validate the feeling: “I understand. It’s sad to leave when you’re having fun.”
3. Set the limit (if needed): “…and it’s still time to go home for dinner.”

By doing this, you act as their external regulator, showing them that emotions are manageable and not something to be afraid of.

2.3 Other key ideas

The Power of Repair

You will not always be able to meet your child’s needs. You’ll get tired, distracted, or your “Shark Music” will play. This creates a “rupture” in the connection. The goal isn’t to avoid ruptures, but to get good at repair.

1. Take responsibility: You are the Bigger, Stronger, Wiser one. You must initiate the repair.
2. Acknowledge the rupture: “I’m sorry I shouted. I was feeling frustrated and I didn’t handle it well.”
3. Reconnect: “Can I give you a hug? I love you.”

Repair teaches your child that relationships can withstand conflict and that connection can always be restored. This is a vital lesson for their future relationships.

Being ‘With’ Your Child

A central theme is the importance of “being with” your child in their emotional state. This means not trying to immediately “fix” their sadness or talk them out of their anger.

Instead of saying “Don’t cry, it’s not a big deal,” try sitting with them in their sadness and saying, “You’re feeling really sad about that, aren’t you? I’m here with you.” This co-regulation is profoundly comforting and builds deep emotional security.

Good Enough Parenting

The book stresses that the goal is not perfection. In fact, striving for perfection is counterproductive. Research shows that secure attachment forms when parents get it “right” around 50% of the time.

What matters more is the pattern of being a reliable source of comfort and the willingness to repair the connection when you get it “wrong.” This frees you from the pressure of being a perfect parent and allows you to be a real, authentic one.

2.4 Key Phrases to use

• For the Secure Base (Top of Circle):
  • “Go ahead and play, I’ll watch you.”
  • “Wow, look at you climbing so high!”
  • “What did you discover over there?”
• For the Safe Haven (Bottom of Circle):
  • “It looks like you need a cuddle. Come here.”
  • “Welcome back.”
  • “That was scary, wasn’t it? You’re safe with me now.”
• For Organising Feelings:
  • “You seem really angry/sad/frustrated about that.”
  • “It’s okay to feel sad.”
• For Repair:
  • “I’m sorry. I was feeling overwhelmed and I made a mistake.”
  • “Let’s try that again.”

3 Summary Video

4 Practise

A key practice from the book is self-reflection. Try to identify your “Shark Music” and how it affects your ability to be with your child on the Circle.

Think about a recent, difficult parenting moment.

1. Where was your child on the Circle? Were they trying to explore (top) or seeking comfort (bottom)?
2. Where did you struggle? Did you have trouble letting them go, or welcoming them back?
3. What was your “Shark Music”? What feelings or memories from your own life were triggered in that moment? What was the story you were telling yourself?

Becoming aware of your patterns is the first step toward changing them.

5 Learn More

• Get the book:

• Official Site