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Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues

relationships
communication
business

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2 Executive Summary Cheatsheet

Exceptional relationships, whether with family, friends, or colleagues, exist on a continuum and are built upon a foundation of shared vulnerabilities, productive conflict, and mutual commitment to growth. The book distills lessons from the legendary Stanford Business School’s Interpersonal Dynamics course (affectionately called ‘Touchy Feely’), emphasising practical competencies for deeper, more robust connections.

2.1 Firstly, be fully known and let others know you

Exceptional relationships begin with genuine self-disclosure and a willingness to understand others deeply.

  1. Cultivate Self-Awareness: Understand your own needs, motives, and the situations that influence your behavior (Reality #1: Intent). This is the foundation for authentic connection.
  2. Practice Intentional Disclosure: Allow yourself to be truly known by others, sharing not just facts but also your underlying feelings. This moves beyond a “spun image” to deeper authenticity.
  3. Seek to Understand Others: Actively listen and strive to understand the other person’s intent, behavior, and the impact their actions have (Reality #3: Impact).
  4. Embrace Reciprocity: Recognise that deeper connection tends to be reciprocal; the more you allow yourself to be known, the more others will respond in kind, fostering mutual attraction and collaboration.

When you hold back your true feelings or play it close to your chest, you create a “vacuum” of ambiguity. Others will fill this void with their own assumptions or images of you, leading to misunderstandings and a loss of control over how you are perceived. Such guardedness prevents the development of deeper, more meaningful relationships.

2.2 What to do when relationships face challenges

Difficulties are inevitable, but how you address them determines the health and depth of your relationships.

  1. Address “Pinches” Early: Small, irritating behaviors (pinches) that linger or recur can fester and grow into larger, more damaging conflicts (“crunches”) if not addressed.
  2. “Stay on Your Side of the Net”: When providing feedback or addressing an issue, focus on your own feelings and the impact of the other person’s behavior on you, rather than assuming their intent or labeling their character. (e.g., “When you interrupt me, I feel unheard” instead of “You’re not listening”).
  3. Prioritise Behavioral Specificity: Feedback should be precise and observable. Describe the specific behavior that caused the issue, not vague attributes or interpretations.
  4. Share Your Feelings: Emotions give meaning to facts and indicate importance. Disclosing how you feel about a situation makes your communication more human and impactful, fostering deeper understanding.
The 15% Rule for Disclosure

To deepen relationships, step outside your comfort zone, but not into the “danger zone.” Aim for about 15% risk in your disclosures. This means sharing slightly more than you normally would, but not so much that you feel overwhelmed or expose yourself excessively. If it works well, your comfort zone expands, allowing for further incremental disclosure. This iterative process builds trust and intimacy.

Disclosure Zones

2.3 Skills to encourage growth and learning

Exceptional relationships are dynamic and require a commitment to mutual growth and continuous learning.

  1. Embrace Productive Conflict: View conflict not as something to avoid, but as an opportunity for growth. Leaning into conflict, rather than running away, can lead to a better, more robust relationship on the other side.
  2. Offer Constructive Feedback as a Gift: Provide feedback with the intention of helping the other person grow, not to condemn or judge. Remember “feedback is the breakfast of champions.”
  3. Change the Pronoun: When reflecting on relationship issues, shift from blaming “you” or “it” to focusing on “I” or “we” (“I’m not worth it,” “you’re not worth it,” “the relationship isn’t worth it”). This personalises the cost and can clarify the path forward.
  4. Be Persistent: Don’t expect one conversation to change years of ingrained behavior. Building deeper relationships requires consistent effort and repeated engagement with these principles.
Three Realities in Every Interaction

Every interpersonal interaction involves three realities:

  1. Reality #1: Intent: What the speaker’s needs, motives, and situation are (their side of the net). This is often unknown to the receiver.
  2. Reality #2: Behavior: The actual verbal and non-verbal actions that are common and observable by both parties.
  3. Reality #3: Impact: The feelings, reactions, and responses of the receiver (their side of the net).

Effective feedback and communication require staying on your side of the net, focusing on Reality #2 (behavior) and Reality #3 (your impact), rather than making assumptions about Reality #1 (intent).

Three realities and not going over the net

2.4 Key Phrases to use

  • “I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior] happens because [impact on me].”
  • “It sounds like you’re feeling [emotion]. Am I hearing that right?”
  • “I’m really trying to be helpful here, but it seems like [observed behavior] isn’t working for me/us.”
  • “This is really important to me/us because [reason]. What are your thoughts?”
  • “Let’s look at this challenge from the perspective of our relationship. What’s the least painful way for us to move forward?”
  • “This [behavior] is costing me/us [specific consequence].”
  • “How can we work together to find a solution that addresses both our needs?”

Sometimes it is difficult for us to verbalise our emotions. This comprehensive vocabulary from the book is a very useful reference.

vocabulary of feelings

3 Video

4 Practise

Reflect on a recent interpersonal challenge you’ve experienced.

Using the “Three Realities” model, consider:

  • What was the specific behavior that bothered you?

  • How did that behavior make you feel? (Use feeling words beyond “annoyed” or “frustrated” if possible).

  • What were your concerns about raising this issue, and how might the “15% rule” or “staying on your side of the net” apply?

    Now, imagine re-engaging with that person using the principles of honest, behavioral-specific, and feeling-focused feedback. What would you say, and what outcome would you hope for?

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