Nonviolent Communication

Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values

Transform your relationships with this Learnerd summary of “Nonviolent Communication.” Discover Marshall Rosenberg’s four-step method for expressing yourself clearly and listening with empathy. Learn to resolve conflict, connect deeply with others, and create a life aligned with your values.

1 Listen

2 Executive Summary Cheatsheet

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a process for communicating with compassion and clarity. It involves four components for honest self-expression and four corresponding components for empathic listening.

2.1 The Four Components of NVC

The core of NVC is to state:

“When I see/hear [1. Observation],

I feel [2. Feeling]

because I am needing [3. Need].

Would you be willing to [4. Request]?”

1. Observe without Evaluating: State the concrete actions you are observing that are affecting your well-being.

   • Avoid: Mixing observation with judgment or diagnosis. (e.g., “You are always late.”)
   • Do: State what you see or hear specifically. (e.g., “For the last three meetings, you have arrived 20 minutes after the start time.”)

2. Identify and Express Feelings: State how you feel when you observe this action. This requires developing a vocabulary for emotions.

   • Avoid: Using “I feel that…” which expresses a thought, not a feeling. (e.g., “I feel that you don’t respect me.”)
   • Do: Use a clear feeling word. (e.g., “I feel frustrated.”)

3. Take Responsibility for Feelings by Stating Needs: Connect your feeling to a universal human need that is or is not being met.

   • Avoid: Blaming the other person for your feeling. (e.g., “I feel frustrated because you are late.”)
   • Do: Connect your feeling to your own unmet need. (e.g., “I feel frustrated because I need consideration for everyone’s time.”)

4. Make a Concrete Request, Not a Demand: Ask for a specific action that you believe would help meet your need.

   • Avoid: Vague or abstract language. (e.g., “I need you to be more respectful.”)
   • Do: State a clear, positive, and doable action. (e.g., “Would you be willing to send me a text if you expect to be more than 5 minutes late for our next meeting?”)

Warning: Avoid ‘Life-Alienating Communication’

Rosenberg identifies common communication patterns that block compassion and lead to conflict:

1. Moralistic Judgements: Implying wrongness or badness in others who don’t act in harmony with our values (e.g., “You’re selfish,” “That’s inappropriate”).
2. Making Comparisons: Judging ourselves or others against a standard, often leading to misery.
3. Denial of Responsibility: Using language that obscures our personal responsibility for our actions and feelings (e.g., “I had to do it,” “Company policy made me…”).
4. Making Demands: Expressing our desires in a way that implies blame and punishment if they are not met.

How to Distinguish a Request from a Demand

The true test of a request is what happens when the other person says “no.”

• If you respond with understanding and continue the dialogue to find another way to meet your need, it was a request.
• If you respond with guilt-tripping, blame, or punishment, it was a demand.

A true request comes from a place of wanting to connect and find a solution that works for everyone.

2.2 Other key ideas

Receiving Empathically

Empathy is the other half of NVC. It’s not about agreeing or offering advice, but about understanding the other person’s inner world.

1. Be Present: Give your full, undivided attention. Don’t think about your response while they are speaking.
2. Listen for Feelings and Needs: Behind any message, no matter how it’s expressed, are feelings and universal needs. Try to guess what they might be.
3. Paraphrase and Reflect Back: Reflect what you are hearing them feel and need. “It sounds like you’re feeling anxious because you need some support with this project. Is that right?”
4. Sustain Empathy: Stay with them until they feel fully heard. You’ll know this happens when you see a release of tension in them, or they stop talking.

Expressing Anger Fully

Anger is a valuable signal that we are disconnected from our needs. The NVC process for anger is:

1. Stop. Breathe. Don’t react.
2. Identify the judgmental thoughts that are fuelling your anger (e.g., “He’s so inconsiderate!”).
3. Connect with the unmet need behind the judgment (e.g., My need for consideration or respect isn’t being met).
4. Express your feelings and unmet needs using the four NVC components.

The Power of Self-Empathy

We can use NVC to transform our internal dialogue from self-criticism to self-compassion.

1. Notice your self-judgements: “I’m so stupid, I messed that up again.”
2. Mourn the unmet need: Connect with the need that wasn’t met by the action you regret. “I am feeling disappointed because my need for competence wasn’t met when I did that.”
3. Forgive yourself: Connect with the need you were trying to meet with your action, even if it was an ineffective strategy. This fosters self-acceptance and learning.

2.3 Key Phrases to use

• When I see/hear/observe __________
• Are you reacting to __________? (Checking the observation)
• I feel _______
• Are you feeling _______? (Reflecting a feeling)
• …because I am needing/valuing __________
• …because you are needing/valuing __________? (Guessing a need)
• Would you be willing to __________?
• I would like to request __________

3 Summary Video

4 Practise

The best way to learn NVC is to apply it. Think of a recent, minor conflict you had. First, write down what you or the other person said in “Jackal” language (the critical, judgmental language we often use). Then, try to translate it into “Giraffe” language (NVC), following the four steps.

Example Scenario: A housemate leaves dirty dishes in the sink.

• Jackal thought/statement: “You’re such a slob! Can’t you ever clean up after yourself?”
• NVC Translation Practice:
  1. Observation: “When I see the dirty dishes left in the sink overnight…”
  2. Feeling: “…I feel annoyed…”
  3. Need: “…because I have a need for cleanliness and order in our shared space.”
  4. Request: “Would you be willing to wash your dishes before you go to bed each night?”

5 Learn More

• Get the book:

• Official Site: The Center for Nonviolent Communication