Make Change That Lasts

9 Simple Ways to Break Free from the Habits that Hold You Back

self-improvement
health
psychology
Unlock lasting transformation with this Learnerd summary of Dr Rangan Chatterjee’s “Make Change That Lasts.” Discover the concept of ‘Invisible Reliances’ - the hidden causes of your unwanted habits—and learn 9 practical ways to achieve ‘Minimal Reliance’ for greater control, resilience, and happiness. Start making change that truly sticks today!

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2 Executive Summary Cheatsheet

Dr Chatterjee argues that failing to change isn’t a lack of willpower, but a failure of method. Unwanted habits are just symptoms of deeper, “upstream” problems. The solution is to identify and reduce our “Invisible Reliances” - the hidden things we depend on to feel good - and achieve a state of Minimal Reliance.

2.1 Firstly, discover your Invisible Reliances

Your unwanted habits (e.g., comfort eating, excess drinking, doomscrolling) are often an escape from inner discomfort. To make lasting change, you must first identify the upstream cause.

  1. Look Upstream: When you feel the urge for an unhealthy habit, pause and ask: “What discomfort am I trying to escape from right now?”
  2. Identify the Reliance: Your discomfort is likely caused by an “invisible reliance” not being met. These are the hidden expectations you have for life to go your way.
  3. The 9 Core Reliances: The book explores nine common reliances that hold us back:
    • Reliance on Experts
    • Reliance on Perfection (and Heroes)
    • Reliance on Being Liked
    • Reliance on Comfort
    • Reliance on Being Right
    • Reliance on Things Never Going Wrong
    • Reliance on the Past
    • Reliance on Busyness
    • (Over-reliance on others, undermining healthy reliance)

In the book’s introduction, Helen’s chocolate habit was a symptom of her reliance on being liked at work, which led to her feeling exploited and exhausted. When she felt the urge for chocolate, she learned to “look upstream” and address the real issue - her need to set boundaries - rather than just fighting the symptom.

2.2 What to do when you feel stuck in old patterns

Lasting change requires rewiring your mindset, not just your actions.

  1. Give up your heroes (Reliance on Perfection): Stop comparing your worst moments to the curated “highlights reel” of others. This creates perfectionism. Instead, identify the specific quality you admire in a hero and focus on developing it in yourself.
  2. Let go of being right (Reliance on Being Right): Taking offense triggers your stress response. Adopt a learner mindset and practice saying “I have a different perspective” instead of “You’re wrong.” This keeps you calm and in control.
  3. Build better boundaries (Reliance on Being Liked): People-pleasing is a draining reliance rooted in a fear of rejection. The solution is to define and communicate your boundaries. Have the courage to be disliked to gain self-respect.
  4. Let go of the past (Reliance on the Past): Don’t let past traumas or limiting stories define you. Practice forgiveness - not for them, but to free yourself. Rehearse who you want to become, not who you were.

Conflict is unavoidable, but it can be productive. The key is to avoid “mind-reading.”

  1. Stick to your reality: Instead of saying, “You never care about…”, say, “When you do X, I feel Y.” No one can argue with how you feel.
  2. State your feelings, not accusations: This prevents the other person from becoming defensive and allows for a real conversation.
  3. Speak when calm: If you feel triggered, wait until you are calm to have the conversation.

2.3 Skills to build resilience and make change last

  1. Embrace Discomfort (Reliance on Comfort): Modern life makes us weak. Intentionally seek discomfort to build resilience.
    • Take cold showers.
    • Try intermittent fasting.
    • Exercise in bad weather.
    • Learn a challenging new skill.
  2. Expect Adversity (Reliance on Things Never Going Wrong): Life is not a smooth escalator ride; progress is never linear. Factor in “shrinkage” (theft, loss, breakage) in your life. When things go wrong, reframe your complaints as either a moment of gratitude or a call to action.
  3. Reclaim Your Time (Reliance on Busyness): Busyness is not a sign of success; it’s often a sign of poor prioritisation. Ask yourself every morning: “What is the most important thing I have to do today?”
  4. Nourish Your Social Circles (The Gift of Reliance): The goal is minimal, not zero, reliance. Humans need connection. Strive to give more than you get, but know it’s essential to rely on your four social circles: Community, Friends, Family, and Partner.

Many of us subconsciously believe life should be a smooth, upward escalator. When it’s not, we feel frustrated and hard done by. This “Escalator Myth” is a reliance on things never going wrong. By expecting adversity and non-linear progress, you become more resilient and less stressed when life’s inevitable challenges occur.

2.4 Other key ideas

  1. Become an expert in you: What works for a health influencer may not work for you. Learn to listen to your body’s signals - your “inner barometer.”
  2. Use trackers mindfully: Don’t let a bad sleep score ruin a day where you actually feel good. Use data to learn about yourself, then put the tracker away.
  3. Create time for solitude: A daily 5-10 minute practice of meditation, breathwork, or journaling is crucial for developing insight and hearing your body’s signals.

To counter the reliance on perfection and external heroes, redefine what a hero is.

  1. At the end of the day, sit with a notebook.
  2. Write down three small incidents from your day in which you acted like a hero.
  3. Examples: Did you compliment a colleague? Did you stay calm in a stressful situation? Did you make a phone call you were dreading? Did you do something difficult for your family out of love? This practice builds self-esteem and reduces your reliance on external validation.

Our reliance on busyness leads to burnout because we misunderstand rest. True rest must happen in three dimensions to be effective.

  1. Rest for the Body: Sleep, naps, and physical relaxation.
  2. Rest for the Mind: Get away from digital overstimulation. Read a book, listen to music, spend time in nature, or engage in a “mastery” activity (a hobby that absorbs your focus).
  3. Rest for the Heart: Connect with something bigger than yourself. Volunteer, spend quality time with friends, or simply call someone to tell them you care.

2.5 Key Phrases to use

  • “What invisible reliance is holding me back right now?”
  • “I’m going to look upstream from this craving.”
  • “I have a different perspective.”
  • “What is the most important thing I have to do today?”
  • “I am choosing gratitude/action over complaining.”
  • “My new story is…”
  • “Today, I want to showcase the quality of…”

3 Video

4 Practise

A key part of Minimal Reliance is building healthy connections, which means giving more than you get. Dr Chatterjee suggests assessing your “Four Social Circles” to see where you can strengthen your social health.

Activity: Assess Your Social Circles

For each of the four circles (Community, Friends, Family, and Partner), honestly score how well you are nourishing it from 0 (not at all) to 3 (very well). Then, write down one small action you can take this month to improve the score.

Reflection bonus

  1. If there was only one daily practice you could bring into your life in 2025, what would it be? If you immediately think of more than one practice, spend some time thinking about which practice would be the most important one? Which practice could you do that would automatically mean you are more likely to engage with the other ones?
  2. CHAPTER 1 Trust Yourself: Reliance on Experts: Do you find yourself getting confused by the advice of experts? Why do you think this is?
  3. CHAPTER 2 Give Up Your Heroes: Reliance on Perfection: How often do you compare yourself to others? Do you constantly feel that other people are having better and more successful lives than you? How does this affect you?
  4. CHAPTER 3 Be Yourself: Reliance on Being Liked: How do you feel when you are criticized? Is this something you find relatively easy to deal with or is it something that really bothers you? Can you think about what behaviours in your life you are more likely to engage in when you have been criticized?
  5. CHAPTER 4 Embrace Discomfort: Reliance on Comfort: Are you someone who naturally likes to do hard things? Or, are you someone who prefers to take the easy option? Write down 2-3 specific examples
  6. CHAPTER 5 Take Less Offence: Reliance on Being Right: Do you regularly take offence to the words and actions of others?Why do you think that is the case? What impact do you think this might have on your daily behaviours?
  7. CHAPTER 6 Expect Adversity: Reliance on Things Never Going Wrong: Do you get frustrated when things don’t go your way? For example, are you someone who gets annoyed when there is someone in front of you having a long chat with the supermarket checkout assistant when you are in a rush? Or, are you someone who gets annoyed and irritated when there is traffic? Why do you think this might be?
  8. CHAPTER 7 Let Go and Move On: Reliance on the Past: Do you find it easy to forgive and let go? Or, are you someone who holds onto a lot of resentment? How do you think this affects you?
  9. CHAPTER 8 Reclaim Your Time: Reliance on Busyness: How do you feel if you have nothing to actually do? Do you find this stressful or relaxing? Are you someone who feels guilty if you ever take a break?
  10. CHAPTER 9 Give More Than You Get: The Gift of Reliance: Where in your life do you give to others without any expectation of getting something in return? Or, are you someone who gives to others with an underlying expectation of getting something in return? What kind of impact do you think this has on you?

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