Raising Boys in the 21st Century

How to help our boys become open-hearted, kind and strong men

parenting
child development
self help

1 Listen to Raising Boys Summary

2 Book Summary: Raising Boys in the 21st Century

Steve Biddulph’s “Raising Boys in the 21st Century” provides a roadmap for parents to navigate the unique challenges and joys of raising sons. He argues that by understanding the distinct developmental stages and biological drivers of boys, we can raise them to be kind, confident, and well-adjusted men. The book is structured around three key stages of boyhood.

2.1 Stage 1: The Gentle Years (Birth to 6)

This is the foundational stage where a boy learns to love and develops inner security. The primary goal is to build a strong, loving bond with one or two key caregivers, usually the mother.

  1. Build a Secure Bond: This period is about giving strong love and security. Interaction, laughter, and affection are like food for a baby’s brain, helping develop verbal skills and sociability.
  2. Mothers are a Boy’s First Model for Love: A mother’s interest, fun, and attuned care teaches a boy intimacy. She helps his brain develop verbal and social skills, which boys may need more help with than girls.
  3. Fathers are Vital Too: Dads should be involved from the start. They tend to play more vigorously, which is also important for development. A father’s gentle nurturing helps the boy learn that men are kind as well as exciting.
  4. Gender Isn’t a Big Deal: Under six, focus on closeness, trust, warmth, and fun. It’s about loving the child, not parenting a “boy”.

Successful single mothers of sons provide two key things: 1. Find Good Male Role Models: Actively seek out help from uncles, good friends, schoolteachers, or sports coaches. A boy needs to see what a good, caring man looks like. 2. Be Kind to Yourself: Avoid becoming a martyr. Plan time for your own wellbeing to ensure you have the energy to be a loving parent. Single parents need to be networked and supported.

2.2 Stage 2: Learning to be Male (6 to 14)

Around age six, boys experience a shift. They begin to “lock on” to their dad or other significant male figures to learn what it means to be male. The father’s role becomes central during this time.

  1. Fathers Step Up: This is the major window for a father to build a strong foundation of masculinity. It’s time to “make time” for shared activities, hobbies, talks, and just being together.
  2. Mothers Stay Close: A mother’s affection is still crucial. If she withdraws her warmth to “toughen him up,” a boy may shut down his tender, loving side, which can cause emotional problems in adulthood.
  3. Teach Self-Control through Play: Rough-and-tumble play with dads is essential. It teaches a boy how to be energetic and even angry while knowing when to stop - a vital life skill for managing a male body and its strength.
  4. Teach Respect for Women: When a teenage boy starts to realise he’s bigger than his mother, a father’s role is to step in and firmly but gently reinforce that she must always be treated with respect. This teaches a boy that men and women support each other.

Biddulph stresses that if a father is absent (physically or emotionally) during the 6-14 stage, it can cause significant damage. Boys may act out with problem behaviours just to get a father’s attention. The lack of a positive male role model leaves boys to draw their image of masculinity from peers or media, which is often distorted.

2.3 Stage 3: Becoming a Man (14 and Onwards)

From fourteen, a boy needs to move beyond his parents and connect with the wider adult community. Mentors become critical to guide him through the final steps to adulthood.

  1. Mentors are Essential: Parents can’t raise a teenage boy alone. A fourteen-year-old son and his father often find their “horns tangled.” A mentor - a trusted teacher, coach, uncle, or family friend - can provide guidance that a boy won’t accept from his parents.
  2. Channel the Desire for Glory: Adolescents are hungry for challenges and heroic roles. If we don’t provide healthy channels (like service, adventure, or passion projects), they may seek them in risky behaviours like drugs, unsafe sex, or crime.
  3. Parents Ease Back, but Don’t Disappear: Your role shifts to being a consultant and friend. You must carefully organise good mentors in your son’s life; otherwise, he will rely on an ill-equipped peer group.
  4. Community Matters: Old societies had initiation rites. We need to build community links - through sports, church, or friendship circles - to provide a network of adults who can help steady a boy on his path.

2.4 Other key ideas

  1. The “Full-on Fours”: Around age four, boys often become more energetic and boisterous. This is a natural developmental stage. Instead of punishing this energy, provide safe and sociable ways for them to be physically active. It’s about movement, not misbehaviour.
  2. “Adrenarche”: The Eight-Year-Old Meltdown: Around age eight, a hormonal stage called adrenarche can make boys more emotional and easily upset. This is a preparatory stage for puberty. Be understanding and help him name his feelings. Explain that his body is changing and these strong emotions will settle down.
  3. Puberty Proper (10-14): Testosterone levels increase by 800%. This can lead to clumsiness, disorganisation (at 13), and restlessness (at 14). Parents need to be a “substitute brain” for a while and provide firm, caring guidance.
  1. Discipline Without Drama: Set firm limits, but do it with warmth and empathy. Acknowledge his feelings (“I know it’s hard when you can’t do what you want”) while holding the boundary. This teaches him to manage disappointment without a battle of wills.
  2. Let Boys Cry: Crying is a biological healing mechanism that releases endorphins. Telling a boy “don’t cry” teaches him to suppress emotion, which can lead to anger, addictions, or depression. Model emotional expression yourself.
  3. Words Can Save His Life: Boys are often slower to develop language skills. Reading and talking to your son helps him build the verbal tools to think through problems, express his feelings, and make better choices, preventing impulsive and dangerous behaviour.
  1. School Readiness: Boys’ brains develop 6-12 months slower than girls’ at age five. They are often not ready for formal schooling (sitting still, fine motor skills). Consider starting them a year later to prevent them from feeling like failures early on.
  2. Sport: The Good and The Bad: Sport is great for father-son bonding, character-building, and fun. However, beware of toxic role models, over-competitiveness that leads to injury, and the “talent trap” where a boy’s worth is tied only to his performance. Keep it participatory and fun.
  3. Navigating Sexuality & Porn: Teach boys about the difference between Liking, Loving, and Lusting. Talk openly about consent and respect. Discuss online pornography: explain it’s not real, it’s often harmful and degrading, and can create damaging myths about sex. Set clear boundaries like no screens in bedrooms.

2.5 Key Phrases to use

  • “I know, it’s hard when you can’t do what you want.” (Empathising during discipline)
  • “Your body is precious, and my body is precious too. We can’t play if someone might get hurt.” (During rough play)
  • “Can you handle it?” (Challenging him to show self-control)
  • “Don’t speak to your mother in that tone of voice.” (A father backing up a mother)
  • “It’s okay to cry. You’ve got such a good heart.”
  • “I was scared when you did that.” (Instead of “You’re so stupid!”)
  • “That stuff messes with your head.” (A way for a boy to refuse to look at porn)

3 Summary Video

4 Practise

A key practice from the book is to consciously provide the right support at the right stage.

  1. For boys 0-6: Schedule focused, one-on-one time that involves warmth and conversation. This could be reading a story at bedtime or just cuddling on the couch. The goal is to strengthen the primary attachment bond.
  2. For boys 6-14: Dads, plan a weekly “adventure” with your son. It doesn’t have to be big - it could be working on a project in the shed, going fishing, or just a walk to talk about life. The goal is to “make time” and be present.
  3. For boys 14+: Sit down as parents and identify 2-3 potential mentors in your son’s life (a trusted uncle, family friend, coach). Make a plan to actively encourage that relationship, for example by inviting them over or asking them to teach your son a skill.

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