The Courage to Be Disliked
The Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to free yourself, change your life, and achieve real happiness
1 Listen to Courage to be Disliked Summary
2 Book Summary: The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
Based on the theories of Alfred Adler, this book argues that happiness is a choice available to everyone. Through a dialogue between a philosopher and a youth, it explains that we are not determined by our past experiences, but by the meaning we give them. True freedom and happiness come from understanding our interpersonal relationships and having the courage to live according to our own principles, even if it means being disliked by others.
2.1 Deny Trauma and Embrace Teleology
The book’s foundational argument is a rejection of Freudian etiology (the study of causation) in favour of Adlerian teleology (the study of purpose).
- Trauma Does Not Exist: Adler argues that no experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We are not determined by our past traumas, but by the meaning we assign to them. Our current state is not a result of past causes, but a choice we make to achieve a present goal.
- Unhappiness is a Choice: We choose our lifestyle and our emotional state. For example, a person who stays indoors due to anxiety isn’t a victim of their past; they have the goal of not going out, and they create the emotion of anxiety to justify it. This gives them perceived benefits, like receiving more attention or avoiding potential rejection in the outside world.
- Anger is a Tool: Anger is not an uncontrollable outburst. It is a tool we fabricate to achieve a goal, such as making another person submit to our will quickly. We can always choose to communicate through reasoned language instead.
- Your Life is Decided Here and Now: The past does not determine our future. We are not able to change because we are making the decision not to change. It’s easier and more secure to stay as we are, even with complaints, than to face the uncertainty of a new lifestyle. True change requires courage.
Focusing only on past causes to explain the present leads to determinism. It suggests our present and future are already decided and unalterable. This is a “life-lie” that removes personal responsibility and leaves us feeling powerless. The Adlerian view is that no matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing on how you live from now on.
When you feel anger rising, pause and ask yourself: “What is my goal?” Are you trying to assert dominance, control someone, or make them listen? Realise that you can achieve this goal through calm communication and logic. Anger is a tool for coercion, not a necessity. By choosing not to use it, you create healthier and more respectful relationships.
2.2 All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
Adler’s most radical claim is that all our problems - from feelings of inferiority to anxieties about life - are fundamentally problems of interpersonal relationships.
- Isolate yourself, and problems vanish: If you were the only being in the universe, you would have no problems. Loneliness itself only exists because we are in a social context. This demonstrates that our suffering is tied to our interactions with others.
- Life is not a competition: If you view life as a competition, you will inevitably see other people as adversaries or enemies. You will constantly compare yourself to others, live in fear of losing, and be unable to genuinely celebrate others’ happiness, seeing it as your defeat.
- See others as comrades: When you are released from the schema of competition, you can see others as comrades. The world ceases to be a dangerous place and becomes a safe and supportive one. Your focus shifts from “winning” to contributing.
To resolve interpersonal relationship problems, we must learn to separate our tasks from other people’s tasks. This is the cornerstone of living freely.
- Identify the task: Ask yourself, “Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by this choice?”
- Do not intervene: If a child doesn’t study, the consequence (poor grades) is ultimately received by the child, not the parent. Therefore, studying is the child’s task. A parent can offer support, but commanding them to study is intervening in their task.
- Do not let others intervene: Likewise, what other people think of you is their task, not yours. Worrying about how others see you is a sign you are not separating tasks. You have control over your actions, but not their perceptions.
2.3 Other key ideas
2.4 Key Phrases to use
- “This is the child’s task, not mine.” (When tempted to intervene)
- “What can I give to this person?” (To foster a sense of contribution)
- “The past does not determine my present.” (To move on from etiology)
- “I have the courage to be normal.” (Rejecting the need to be a ‘special being’)
- “Someone has to start.” (Taking the first step in building horizontal relationships)
- “Happiness is the feeling of contribution.”
- “Life is a series of moments.”
3 Summary Video
4 Practise
The most actionable technique from the book is the Separation of Tasks. Think of a current interpersonal problem that is causing you stress. It could be with a family member, a colleague, or a friend.
- Clearly define the problem or choice at hand.
- Ask yourself the key question: “Who ultimately is going to receive the result of the choice being made?”
- Based on the answer, identify what is your task and what is the other person’s task.
- Resolve to focus only on your task. Let go of the outcome of the other person’s task. For example, your task might be to give your opinion clearly and respectfully. The other person’s task is how they react to that opinion.
5 Learn More
- Get the book:
