How to Talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk

parenting
communication
personal development
self help
Unlock effective parenting communication! This Learnerd summary of “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” provides practical strategies and key phrases to help you acknowledge feelings, encourage cooperation, and improve your relationship with your children. Learn how to get kids to listen and foster autonomy today!

1 Listen to How to Talk so kids will Listen Summary

2 Book Summary: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

2.1 Firstly, acknowledge child’s feelings

Don’t dismiss with “It’s not a big deal”

  1. Listen quietly and attentively: Ensure you are really not distracted by your phone or other thoughts
  2. Acknowledge their feeling with a word eg “Oh”. “I see”.
  3. Give the feeling a name eg “Looks like you’re feeling sad”
  4. Give the child his/her wishes in fantasy eg “I wish I could make the rain stop so that I could take you to the playground!”

“Oh you are feeling angry, aren’t you!? Can you draw me a picture of how angry you are?”

“Oh you would like that train set? Let’s write it down and add to your wish list. What else do you want, we can take a picture and add to your wish list”

2.2 What to do when kids not listening

  1. Express your feelings strongly, but do it without attacking character eg “I’m furious the saw was left outside in the rain”
  2. State your expectations eg “I expect my tools to be returned after they have been borrowed”
  3. Show the child how to make amends eg “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease”
  4. Offer a choice eg “You can borrow my tools and return them or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide”
  5. Take action eg putting locks on the toolbox after your child abuses their privileges
  6. Problem solve: Brainstorm solutions until you come up with a compromise.

Be patient, this can take time, and may involve a few rounds and giving everyone time to think

  1. State your feelings and needs, and child’s feelings and needs

  2. Write down ideas from kids and yourself on paper (don’t dismiss any yet, even if they seem silly)

  3. Start crossing off ideas that are not feasible or practical

  4. Agree on a win-win-solution

2.3 Skills to encourage co-operation

  1. Describe what you see, or describe the problem eg “There’s a wet towel on the bed”, instead of: “You better not throw the wet towel on the bed”
  2. Give information eg “The towel is getting the bed wet” instead of “You are ruining my blanket”
  3. Say it with a word eg “The towel!”
  4. Describe what you feel eg “I don’t like sleeping on a wet bed” instead of “You’re ruining my sleep”
  5. Write a note eg “Please put me back so I can dry”

2.4 Other key ideas

  1. Empower our children to make choices eg “Are you in the mood for your jeans or dress pants?”
  2. Show respect for a child’s struggle eg “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps to tap the lid with a spoon”
  3. Don’t ask too many questions eg Don’t bombard with: “How was your day? Did you have fun? Who did you play with? What did you do?”
  4. Don’t rush to answer questions eg “What do you think?”
  5. Encourage them to use sources outside the home eg “Where might we find the answer to that?”
  6. Never take away hope eg “So you are thinking about trying out for cricket… that should be an experience”
  1. Describe what you see
  2. Describe what you feel
  3. Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behaviour with a word

Examples:

  • “I see a clean room with sorted legos and books neatly put on the shelf. It’s a pleasure to walk into this room. That’s what I call Organisation”

  • “I like how you put the cirlce over the zigzags. How did you think of that?” Focus on efforts, not their traits

Not: “Stop being such a crybaby”

  1. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of him / herself eg “You’ve had that toy since you were 3 and it almost looks like new” (Not “You are always ruining your toys”)
  2. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently eg “Would you take the screwdriver and tighten the bolts on the drawers”
  3. Let children overrhear you say something positive about them eg “He held his arm steady even though the shot hurt”
  4. Model the behaviour you would like to see eg “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a good sport about it. Congratulations!”
  5. Be a storehouse for your child’s special moments eg “I remember you were the first child on the block to ride a two-wheeler bike”
  6. When your child acts according to the old labels, state your feelings and / or expectations eg “I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect you to be a sport about losing.”

2.5 Key Phrases to use

  • You seem to be feeling _______
  • I see ___________. That’s what I call _______
  • The problem is __________
  • I am starting to feel __________
  • I need / expect / would like to see ___________
  • Do you want to _____ or ________?
  • Sometimes it helps when ___________
  • What’s the least painful way for us to __________?

3 Summary Video

4 Practise

The book suggests to role play to pracice these techniques while you are calm. It is a good idea to take the perspective of the child as well as the parent.

Let’s try one example:

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